Unfortunately, it came a little late for us . . .<\/p>\n
HOW TO PREPARE FOR BECOMING A PARENT
\nin 15 simple steps<\/p>\n
Lesson 1
\nGo to the grocery store.
\nArrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
\nGo home.
\nPick up the paper.
\nRead it for the last time.<\/p>\n
Lesson 2
\nBefore you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their:
\nMethods of discipline.
\nLack of patience.
\nAppallingly low tolerance levels.
\nAllowing their children to run wild.
\nSuggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
\nEnjoy it, because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.<\/p>\n
Lesson 3
\nTo discover how the nights will feel…
\nWalk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or s ome other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
\nAt 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
\nGet up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
\nSet the alarm for 3AM.
\nAs you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink.
\nGo to bed at 2:45AM.
\nGet up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
\nSing songs in the dark until 4AM.
\nGet up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
\nLook cheerful.<\/p>\n
Lesson 4
\nCan you stand the mess children make? To find out…
\nSmear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
\nHide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
\nStick your fingers in the flower bed. Then rub them on the clean walls.
\nCover the stains with crayons. How does that look?<\/p>\n
Lesson 5
\nDressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
\nBuy an octopus and a sma ll bag made out of loose mesh.
\nAttempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
\nTime allowed for this – all morning.<\/p>\n
Lesson 6
\nTake an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint, turn it into an alligator.
\nNow take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
\nLast, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.<\/p>\n
Lesson 7
\nForget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.
\nBuy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
\nGet a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
\nTake a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat.
\nRun a garden rake along both sides of the car.
\nThere. Perfect.<\/p>\n
Lesson 8
\nGet ready to go out.
\nWait outside the bathroom for half an hour.
\nGo out the front door.
\nCome in again. Go out.
\nCome back in.
\nGo out again.
\nWalk down the front path.
\nWalk back up it.
\nWalk down it again.
\nWalk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
\nStop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
\nRetrace your steps.
\nScream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
\nGive up and go back into the house.
\nYou are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.<\/p>\n
Lesson 9
\nRepeat everything at least (if not more than) five times.<\/p>\n
Lesson 10
\nGo to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full- grown goat is excellent).
\nIf you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
\nBuy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
\nPay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
\nUntil you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.<\/p>\n
Lesson 11
\nHollow out a melon.
\nMake a small hole in the side.
\nSuspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
\nNow get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
\nContinue until half the Cheerios are gone.
\nTip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
\nYou are now ready to feed a nine- month old baby.<\/p>\n
Lesson 12
\nLearn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on T V for at least five years.<\/p>\n
Lesson 13
\nMove to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for at least two years.<\/p>\n
Lesson 14
\nMake a recording of Fran Drescher saying “mommy” repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each “mommy”; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
\nYou are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.<\/p>\n
Lesson 15
\nStart talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the “mommy” tape made from Lesson 14 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Unfortunately, it came a little late for us . . . HOW TO PREPARE FOR BECOMING A PARENT in 15 simple steps Lesson 1 Go to the grocery store. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time. Lesson 2 Before…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":19199,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[245],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5755","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-becca-2","wpcat-245-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p504YJ-1uP","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":28359,"url":"https:\/\/www.themoehrings.com\/index.php\/2024\/09\/foundation","url_meta":{"origin":5755,"position":0},"title":"Foundation","author":"Becca","date":"September 12, 2024","format":false,"excerpt":"The youth learned about building on a stable foundation (and integrity) on Tuesday. 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Ouch. It's only slightly annoying that it is almost as time consuming to pump as it is to feed\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Becca"","block_context":{"text":"Becca","link":"https:\/\/www.themoehrings.com\/index.php\/cat\/becca-2"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":19487,"url":"https:\/\/www.themoehrings.com\/index.php\/2022\/01\/dishwasher-mishap","url_meta":{"origin":5755,"position":2},"title":"Dishwasher Mishap","author":"Becca","date":"January 26, 2022","format":false,"excerpt":"This is what happens when you put liquid dish soap in a dishwasher. haha. 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