As I get older (and pay more attention to the things around me) I have realized that this is not just a Lutheran denomination phenomenon. It appears to be happening across the board of the evangelical denominations. The statistics are staggering. Only a small percentage of our youth are retaining the faith of their parents and the rest are leaving. I remember when I was younger hearing that once people get married and settle down, they will come back to church. That was the people’s excuse for not putting a lot of effort into the college age crowd. But that isn’t happening any more. They are staying gone. . .
I’ve had a couple of my previous pastors ask me what I think the problem is and why the church isn’t reaching my generation (especially when we couldn’t find a Lutheran church in Phoenix that meets our needs and started attending a bible church). I’ve often wondered the same thing myself as Nate and I attend services where we were the only people under 40 there. I’ve tried to put my finger on the problem and have offered some suggestions. One of the thoughts I used to have was to blame the fact that there were no “age segregated” groups for people in their 20’s and 30’s after they have graduated from college. We have been hand-held since our nursery age with children’s ministry, then junior high group, then youth group, then college ministry and then you are just dropped on the floor without any more support. Nate and I even participated in and led a 20’s and 30’s small group at our last church thinking that was what we needed. However, it was poorly attended and poorly supported by the church staff. So I have come up short with a valid answer for where my peers are and why they aren’t in the church.
My mom gave us a book titled “Family Driven Faith” by Voddie Baucham for Christmas. I think he very accurately describes the “problem”. I’m not sure I agree fully with his “solution”, but at least he is trying to address the issue instead of just hoping things get better. His main point is that parents need to be parents according to the biblical standard. For too long we have let the church raise our children for us hoping that they are better at it than we are. But that isn’t God’s plan according to the bible. Parents (and especially fathers) are a huge impact on their children and if we aren’t modeling our faith for them, we are failing.
He starts by making a point that faith needs to be a family affair. The children need to be part of the worship experience and children need to be involved in their faith at home on a daily basis as well as participating in the same activities as their parents at church. That is how I grew up (mostly), we went to worship with my mom and if we wanted to go to Sunday School or youth group that was a secondary hour or on a different day. Nate and I have often commented on the lack of children in the worship services we have attended. We had made a decision to always bring our children to worship with us even though we get many the evil eye when Hannah makes so much as a little peep during the sermon. 🙁
Baucham goes on to state that the whole model of youth group is flawed in its attempt for a young adult (who probably hasn’t raised any children yet and may not even be married) to raise up biblical youth. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve participated in this system and I think all the people involved have their hearts in the right place, it just isn’t working well. We can’t send our children out into a group of largely non-Christian youth and expect them to make an impact on their peers when they are still discovering their faith for themselves.
Baucham also pushes for homeschooling your children for the same reasons. The public school system’s goals are not to raise Christian children and some of the course material is even anti-biblical. So in that respect, why should we allow non-Christian minded people to teach our children for us and expect our children to stick with our faith after high school is over and they are out on their own. Same argument about expecting our Christian children to make an impact on their non-Christian peers. It is like sending an untrained soldier out to war without a gun, they are just not prepared or mature enough to fight the fight and may end up surrendering to the other side.
All this to say that we have a problem. Do I know what to do about it? No. Am I going to homeschool my children? I don’t know yet. How can the church change? It won’t be easy. This is a complete redesign of the current system and a complete rethinking of things and habits that we have assumed over the years. Baucham uses the buzz words “Family Integrated Churches” to define a church that has done this redesign, that focuses on training and discipling fathers to be spiritual leaders in their households, trains mothers to train up their children biblically, and that honors children as blessings from God instead of sending them off to nursery when they get a little noisy. I think it sounds messy, but I’m strangely drawn to the theory behind it. I hope that they can deliver everything they set out to do. I’ve looked up a couple churches that claim to be like this in our area and we are going to go try one out. So, once we’ve had an experience of this type of church setting, I’ll give you an update.
These ideas were strange to me at first, but they are starting to grow on me. Any comments? Thoughts?
Anyone else feel the way I do? That being a parent isn’t looked upon as a privilege but as a burden. That our children are expected to be great musicians and athletes and academic scholars but no emphasis is placed on their spiritual training?
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Cheryl W I think it’s important to make space for children in worship, and the church where I’m working in New York City does that in a specific worship for little children, which is attended well. Because their parents bring them. But among school-age children, there aren’t many in attendance. HOWEVER, there seems to be a disproportionately large number of active young adults in this congregation, and I think that’s because this church is doing ministry they really believe in. I think my generation of young adults is sick of faith-based rhetoric and wants to do things that really matter (just my opinion). I don’t know if faithful mothers or fathers has so much to do with it, but that certainly doesn’t hurt. (And I wouldn’t preference the place of a mother or father in the household in terms of spiritual effect on kids–I think both are important, and where one is absent, the other parent can be plenty influential.)
Rebecca Diltz Nate Moehring I should have prefaced everything with: “There are some pockets of hope out there where the church is doing a good job, but what I’m about to say is generic across the board based on statistics.” I’m glad that you have a church that is meeting your needs. We’ve still got to find one.
KateW I think the situation is not helped by the fact that the traditional family structure and family values are falling apart in this country. It’s hard to argue that the parents need to encourage the children in the right way if the parents are split up, or they don’t have support from their parents (the grandparents), or if the children haven’t been brought up to cherish/value/respect the family that they have.
On a side note, my in-laws recommend sitting in the front row with young children so they can see what’s going on. It’ll probably keep them a bit interested and hopefully quieter.
Rebecca Diltz Nate Moehring I agree 100%. The church needs to be training parents (and not providing free babysitting for every event). And Christian men and women need to be available as mentors for the children of single parents to replace the missing figure.
BTW, that’s what my mom did to the three of us girls (since my dad didn’t come to church with us), it was easier to keep us quiet if the whole church was watching us and the pastor could give us the stare.
Heather H I think your comments about how the church kind of took the responsibility of teaching faith away from the parents is completely right on. I also think that years of segregated ministry have done a dis-service to people because they just move from group to group and don’t have a sense of their importance in the community as a whole. I also think that Cheryl has hit a cord with the fact that people are much more interested in “living out their faith” rather than just being spoon-fed curriculum…but that’s not to say there isn’t a place for learning either.
Overall, I think the church is on the brink of a whole new revival. I don’t know what it looks like, but I do know that something is coming and it is up to all of us to continue seeking whatever change there will be and embracing it rather than “that’s not the way we used to do”ing it.
Steven V I will always remember a Sunday, many years ago. I was about 12 and in the middle of a sermon by our priest a baby started to get fussy. The mother with a look of embarassment began to quickly get up to exit the sanctuary. The Priest stopped her and asked her to sit back down. He looked out over the congregation and made this statement that has always stuck with me. He said, “Don’t take the children away from the Word. The sound of a child is a sound of life. If there are no sounds of children in a church then the church is dead.”
Sam E I think discussion should also be had about what this means in relation to folks who wish not to procreate and those in the same age bracket who are single. I find an even larger gap for those who are childless when those their same age are “coming back to church” but with children. Makes an even larger barrier of connection.
Another question that might spark some debate…is it ever time to worship as adults without children?
Heather H That’s like saying is there ever a time to worship without the elderly, or women, or black people, or the poor, or stinky homeless, or whatever group you can come up with in my opinion. Now, whether we focus all our worship efforts and planning to cater to children and/or families I would be willing to debate, but to exclude anyone intentionally from a worship setting, in my opinion, goes against the entire reason we gather together and worship in the first place. We are all the Body of Christ and whether we enjoy children or don’t is the same as whether we enjoy or not the man in the church who makes my blood boil. We still worship together because we are ALL the Body of Christ.
Rebecca Diltz Nate Moehring Thanks Heather. Revelation 7:9 – “After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb.”
Just because the point of my note was “If you have children, you need to be bringing them to church and raising them up with a biblical standard.” doesn’t imply, “If you don’t have children, you aren’t welcome.”
Sam E And neither were my intentions either. Am posing the questions as I hear them now. I tend to lean to the old-school conservative side when it comes to church and the attendance by children and “youth.” Often times I see parents giving the choice to the children to go or not…when even the sciences say they brain is not developed to make such decisions til even into the 20’s. Bring them singing, or drag them screaming. With great questions being posed, mine is to widen the circle of problem/issue to the hoped “solution.” One strand without the other does in fact break the Body of Christ which you speak of, not gather as we’re called.
The questions of worship as adults without children must be asked to define what the reason for worship is in the first place (which, as Heather stated, is rearing for some change). But Heather, worshipping with a stinky person is one thing, but a stinky child is another.
Kirsten F
I am a single parent. I bring my two children Caroline 4.5 and Caleb 15 months to church every sunday. I pray with my children at home and talk about faith and worship with my daughter. They do not have the same relationship with their father as he is not available during these times. I find it a rather invasive and almost appalling idea to say that they need some kind of replacement mentor because they don’t fall with in the prescribed “family” structure. A church is supposed to be inviting and a welcoming place for all, even those who my not be a traditional family. I don’t think that I would feel comfortable with a mentor who is is not my partner influencing my childrens faith. I do agree that this problem with “old churches” needs to be fixed. We had a difficult time finding a lutheran church we were happy in. We landed in a mission church. It is still growing and is full of young families and couple who have yet to have children.
Rebecca Diltz Nate Moehring I’m am sorry if I misspoke to imply that mentors are “replacements”. I agree with you, you cannot replace what God intended to be the father or mother. However, fathers and mothers have special gifts and relationships with their children. Mothers are meant to be the trainers and supporters, while fathers are meant to be the leaders and discipliners (very high level view, parents are much more than that). Young men and young women need the influence of both genders in their lives and we should seek to find good examples when one is absent.
I also think that the church should be supporting single parents much more than we do. God did not intend a single person to raise children, it is too hard to do it alone. I am glad that you found a church home to meet your needs, its frustrating that it is so hard these days.